Nightmares

The stuff nightmares are made of 

Are not the monsters under the bed 

The gore and lore of a Hollywood blockbuster 

An unsolved thriller 

It’s a man who is vindictive and accuses you of lying about a fellowship when you have documented proof otherwise from the fellowship and prior workplace and he sends his subordinates after your job

It’s unsolved health issues since November that have had me tested for everything in the book while my mom says baby it’s just stress you’re fine. And finally I am fine, but fuck. It was so painful

It’s a “friend” for almost a year who wants to date and you didn’t know they were interested in you and then only find out a week in you were being used for sex and they never wanted anything serious 

It’s a friend you care about dearly who ends a friendship and shocks your world when all I want is for this to not happen and we talked about being old friends so why can’t we grow old together as friends like we had said

It’s a boss looking you in your eyes and lying to you that no we aren’t firing you I’m trying to make you a better teacher only to find out from my other boss that she lied and was going to get rid of me come hell or high water because that’s what her boss wanted

It all comes in dreams that are far from dreams and I wake up more frightened and anxious than I was the day before because of what my mind made up in overnight that awoke me in sweat and screams in the dark 

It’s the pain  

So much pain 

So much pain

So much pain

So much pain 

I’m so sad

So sad

So sad 

Everyone says fuck them 

They’re toxic 

It’s not your fault 

Keep going 

You’re fine 

But that’s not how I think

I would never say fuck them 

And in some spaces I did own my shit because I always do 

And 

I only want to be the best person on earth because it’s the right thing to do

I want my heart to be seen 

Not so anyone can see how broken it is

But to see how raw and open and vulnerable and good I am 

And how hard I try

They say the cracks are where the light gets in

But right now there is no light

I want my nightmares gone 

I want to be able to sleep and rest

Because I have not had any since January 

And I don’t think they’re the bad guy except for the Supt

And I am not the victim

But I am at the mercy of someone else’s decisions that are far from my control

And begging for mercy, empathy, for this to not happen— anything from anyone who knows my character, my heart

While trying to keep my head above water and not lose my fucking will to be alive 

Because there is no peace when I am asleep or awake right now

And all I want is to be held in regard and valued and considered 

Not operating from a space of below rock bottom in my mid 40s when I should be killin’ it