Such Great Heights/Perfectly Imperfect

How can I explain how I think?
Or do I need to? 

There is no reason for me to ever explain something away, let alone something so personal.

Right?

Yet here I am.

I love everything.

Everyone.

I miss everyone all the time. 

Especially those I love the most. 

Everything is an adventure. 

Most people thing I love traveling, and I do, 

but the best thing about this life that makes me feel the most alive? 

Excitement, new, awe, adventures, love. The AWE of it all.

And is it real? 

I read once that most of the excitement of something new or a trip is more exciting than the venture or the trip itself. Maybe.

I love the anticipation. Packing. Sharing with others about what is going to happen. 

But being there? PINCH ME.

Even when I'm there?

I often can't believe it.

When I come home? 

Also can't believe it. WOOWWWEEE! I did it! I can't believe I did it!

I've twice been told by people I loved that it is if I have lived 5 lives already.

I look back and I have done EVERYTHING I've ever dreamed of and more except for one thing.

I can't believe all of the things I've been able to do or accomplish. Is this REALLY my life?

And if it's been so magical already, will that magic continue into me hopefully someday finding the love of my life? My forever?

Or what if... what if I already found her? What if I only got her for a moment?

Then what?

I'm not sure.

Yet from where I am, from such great heights, each day I look at my life and how much I have actually LIVED and realize I am doing what others only dream of. Others live in their dreams. I don't. I try to make my dreams my reality. 

And that is the difference.

I know exactly what I want.

From such great heights, I look at my life that has seemed like 5 and think of the depth of time and space and all of eternity. And here, HERE, I exist. I'm a blip. I'm a speck of literal star dust. 

FUCKING STAR DUST.

I am eternal. 

Of the stars.

Of the Cosmos.

WTAF. Can you believe THAT?!

Come down now, they say.

Oh no. 

Never. 

I love the view from here.

I love the confident nature of my living out loud.

I love that I both believe and can't believe I get to do any of this in this life.

And I love.

Period.

When you love everything and everyone?

You have nothing but immense awe for what the world has for you and what you have to give back.

Love is everything.

Awe is everything.

Everything looks perfect from up here.

Everything seems perfect from far away.

Why?

Because it is.

It's slightly messy, a little anxious, but oh, so so wonderfully perfectly imperfect.

SONG LINK: https://open.spotify.com/track/6sW55bJ41QAGkRHU6gtiMf?si=0c7913e0672f4b3b

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
And this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

- "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service (band)

Revolution

I’m a revolution. 

Me. 

My mind. 

My body. 

I exist in places that were not meant for me.

So do you. 

I’ve been told my whole life I don’t belong by those who pretend they do. 

So have you.  

 

I’ve felt the longing to be where I’m not. 

For a home I do not yet know where or when or how. 

To be where I finally belong. 

Do you feel it? 

Have you felt it? 

Besides in my mind, in their glances, in their words and snide remarks, sometimes it’s a place. 

Time.  

Other’s lives. 

The 40 year old who isn’t a mom but who wishes her friends with kids didn’t mind. 

The single gal who wishes her married friends didn’t mind. 

The white gal who wishes her BIPOC friends didn’t mind. 

Gay-straight. 

Christian-Athesist. 

Privilege-none. 

Rich-poor. 

In all the antitheses. 

It’s in the other. 

Oh, but don’t mind the other.  

The other feels just that: other. 

Yes, please don’t mind she who isn’t you. 

So the revolution? 

It’s to be you. 

Exist. 

Know you belong. 

And let others do the same. 

The Way Out

 Come sit with me for a while.

        I don't want to be here. I don't want to sit with you. I didn't invite you here. Oh, and I don't want YOU here.

I understand. However, I'm not leaving.

        I see that. You should. It would help me out a little.

You can't show me my way to the door. There is no door. I can't leave. It doesn't work that way. And I can help.

        I also get that. I'm not sure how you will ever do me any good or help in ANY way.

Sit with me. Take as long as you need to think about this. You already know the answer.

        You sound like you're trying to give sage advice that's all lies. It's too much today. I'm drowning in oceans of feelings and emotions and memories and anger.

You're not drowning. I'm the boat.

        Really? A boat? Where are you taking me? Through some storm only to drown me?

Through the storm, yes. Key word: through. But not because I want to because you need me to. 

I'm going to change your life.

        They all say that. 

I already have. I know you didn't want your life to change. But that's something sometimes you can't control.

        True. Am I supposed to view all this as good or bad change? Because right now, all I see and feel is a void.

It can be both. It may be one or the other. Everyday is different. I can't control you or how you feel in each moment.

        But today I'm drowning. Remember? Void. Hole. Empty. Pain. Hurt. I have lots of synonyms. I can look up more if you'd like.

Fair. Tomorrow you may forget I even exist.

        Impossible. But not saying I wouldn't like that to happen.

Also fair. But I'm not leaving. I can't.

        You don't get it. Everything I loved. It's gone. My world.

I do know. I'm everything you never wanted, but everything that helps get you to what's next in life. You don't want me, but you need me. 

I'm love with no place to go.  

        Grief, you're love? If this is love, I don't want it.

I know you don't. But I'm about to change your life, remember? Come sit with me again from time to time. 

In a day. 

A month. 

A year. 

Longer. 

Our conversations won't be the same. They'll never be the same. Some will last days. Others, seconds. Your love and other emotions you feel like you're missing will still be there, but you'll have new loves, new experiences, and new things to grieve. And we can talk about those, too. You will see your loss through new eyes and the other things I listed for you. You will take me with you everywhere. You'll have friends come with you to sit with me, as well. If you don't think you have someone to be there with you, I know you can find someone. Just like you're not alone, I live in everyone. 

I'm not exactly a friend, as you already know, but I am a means to an end. 

So come sit with me for a while. 

I know where you are now, I know you won't need me forever, and I know the way out:

It’s through. 

         ____________

Author's note: this is a conversation between a person and Grief, personified. Read it again.