May

In May you turned 39. 

I teetered with texting you. 

I never thought I’d hear from you again. 

But you said thank you when I did send it. 

And it made me cry. 

I actually woke up crying that morning. 

Why? 

Because I dreamed of you all night. In it you were there at a concert with me but not with me. Playing hide and seek in your own way to avoid me. 

When all I wanted was connection. To talk. 

With you. 

To you. 

When you said thank you…

Was it from a place of duty? 

Compassion? 

Love? 

Obligation? 

Pain? 

I told you that accepted a job. 

You hearted my message. 

Then silence. 

Why silence. 

Why not continue the conversation? 

All I didn’t say? ?

So many things. 

You have no no no idea what I have been through since March 11th. 

You think the worst was over and done. 

It wasn’t. 

Not even close. 

The worse was yet to come. 

But why?

Why not ask how I am. 

Tell me about your boys. 

Tell me about your summer. 

Tell me that you miss me too. 

Tell me that you’re sorry. 

Tell me that I mean something. 

Anything. 

Anything but fucking this. 

Call me. 

Let me call you. 

Anything. 

My heart is so so so shattered missing you. 

I have everything I could ever need in my life right now. 

But I don’t. 

I don’t have the job I moved here for. 

I barely got a job. 

I don’t have my depression and sadness lifted from me. 

Though most days I’m feeling a lot better. 

But still. 

 I don’t have you. 

Tonight

Tonight 

—-—-—-—-—-

Tonight the sunset and moon were perfection 

This new SYML song was lit but sad 

and I wanted you to listen to it for some reason 

My irises are starting to bloom 

The ones I planted the first day I moved here and told you first 

The moon is almost full 

My nightmares seem to never cease awake or asleep

I can’t find any peace 
Like the other night I dreamed you had a baby girl and you came over and we played and sang and had the best best time because that’s what friends do
But then the next night was a nightmare where 

I dreamed I borrowed your car to take some students to an event 

and your mom said bye but you locked yourself in your room so you didn’t have to see me 

just like you hid behind a screen when you said it’s the end of a friendship because who does that? 

and when I left I drove it the wrong way into traffic but on complete accident because in this dream the traffic was European

and it was over in a fiery instant.

Praying in the last moments to a god I no longer believe in 

and if she does exist she’s fucking sleeping while we all are suffering 

I woke up shaken to my core thinking:

-About my bday party and how you joked about if you died it would make things a lot easier and I yelled at you But I wish you were here so I didn’t feel the same way right now only far worse (as if it’s a contest but it’s not)
-About mortality And how we have so little time and How now I don’t get to grow to be 80 with you as my friend by my side 

Really? 

Please take this pain away. 

This can’t be my reality. 

This isn’t happening. 

Right?

Yeah that nightmare fucked me up and gave me anxiety this entire week day and night 

So back to tonight: all I wanted to do was share all these beautiful -- not the tragic things -- with my friend
But instead I had a panic attack on my run in my tiny corner of the world 

Choking on tears and breath

Thinking of the past month, 

a year ago today, 

and the moment I’m standing in

And I feel so so alone And full of pain that even words cannot describe

But none of this

None of it 

I could text and share with you 

Because where I once was safe to share every last thought

Has been replaced with: 

you hate my fucking guts 

And our friendship I guess means/meant nothing? 

Really?

And I feel like nothing 
How is it…
and am I…nothing??

Please meet me for brunch 

Video call me

Show up at my house one night for crying out loud 

Just tell me it is....

Tell me I am...

Something. 

Not nothing.