Sometimes all at once.
Other times in waves.
Sometimes in the shower.
Sometimes a barrage of questions. Most of which I have never asked.
Some I’m scared to.
But not because they’re about love.
Though some are.
Like do you ever miss me/us?
Do you still listen to the playlist I made you when we dated?
Why do you say I made you feel so safe and then not want to try again?
Why not just date again, try again?
What's wrong w/ me? us?
We are so good together. For each other. All of it. We have stuff the stars are made of.
Then sometimes it is thoughts and only.
Like what a year it’s been to get to this place. My heart has shattered a million times but I’m so so resilient now that it shocks me. But life is good and will be.
That I love you. But that doesn’t matter. Or does it? You don’t want me. But you also do.
You love the love I hold for everyone and everything.
And you've never experienced being so safe and comfortable and vulnerable and honest and loved and empathic and all the other beautiful things I give space and autonomy to you for to be your best authentic self.
But the feelings are mutual. You hold space for me and all I listed about you and you always have and continue to make me feel safe.
And I’d be yours in a heartbeat. A moment. 5 minutes. Whatever. Say the words. I can’t, won't. You have to. If I do I fear it would just ruin everything. But I’d also just be friends with you till our dying day. I just never want to lose you and I always miss you and wish for more time with you always.
That I regret moving so fast but it was so easy with you. It never felt too fast. So maybe I don’t. Nothing was forced ever on either of our sides. But why did it have to end? I know the answer. My answer and yours are two sides of the same coin. But if you’d take me back I’d move like a turtle or a plant or a turtle plant or an old man with back problems.
Name your speed. There is nothing to be rushed.
That I read you poetry that I wrote, that Andrea Gibson wrote, in bed while you closed your eyes and I kissed you sweetly between stanzas.
Who the fuck does that?
It was the best moment of vulnerability and intimacy I’ve ever had with someone. You told me it was THE most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you. And I dropped all my guards with you always and in that moment and vice versa and would do moments like that a thousand times over.
Do you miss that? I do. If you close your eyes and remember those nights I think you will, you do, too.
And I’d write pages and pages for you until my ink ran dry or I met another better than you (if that’s even possible) or my time was up in this life.
No one compares to you. I mean other girls are cool and all, but no one shocked me the first second and blew my mind away like yours. Made me laugh and smile and blush. Why can’t we try us again? Why are you so scared?
Many questions. Many answers. Some I already know.
Rabbit holes my mind spirals down.
Puzzles my mind can’t always solve.
And the the water keeps pelting my face and I squirrels to getting ready for bed and the day to come.
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