41-42-There's Too Much World To See

What if I told you the truth?

Would you believe me? 

Of course you would.

That this year I considered anti-wrinkle creams and what to do about a few stray gray hairs.

That I looked at myself in the mirror a few times this year and wondered who I was staring at.

But that I'm proud of myself. My life. Who I've become. Who I will be. What I want.

That the way you do one thing is the way you do everything and the way I do everything is passionately, with love, balls to the wall, I'm all in. 

All in.

And if you don't like that about me, you're not for me.

That I hate losing and love winning, but hate losing more... but in the right context I really don't care because all I ever do is win. Okay, so that's a joke, but I seriously think I can always win. 

That the Boston Marathon cured me from ever competing again. 

That you know that is a complete 1200% lie. I think.

That more than winning and losing, more than adventures and travel, more than anything, if you want to know the most important thing is when I'm present. There. With you. 

My gift is my time, but your gift is your presence. And I'm grateful, and I'm in heaven.

That I want everyone and everything I've ever lost to come back to me.

That everything can be an adventure, especially a grocery store in a foreign country.

That traveling alone is both release and catharsis.

That I never let the grass grow under my feet. There's too much world to see.

That I wish people could accept me for who I am. And since they can't, I only let a few fully in.

That no religion seems to get me, and I want to be nothing and Protestant and Catholic and... well, except the Pope says stupid things about not having kids but having pets and the church isn't for LGBTQ, but sort of, but also not really.

That not everything is black and white.

That love is underrated and most don't know how to do it right because they don't care enough to learn about how to get it right. But should.

That life is a fight but doesn't have to be.

That when COVID-aggedon hits and you think life was up and up and then it seems to have crashed but it didn't, it was merely contextualized with its brevity that I already knew a lot about, but apparently not enough about.

That when COVID hits your body and your supposed healthy body doesn't know how to fight and maybe it wasn't as healthy as you thought, you wonder if you're really a fighter or you just told yourself that your whole life. Or maybe COVID is straight from Hell.

If you want to know me, understand me, get me--five things:

1. The way I do one thing is the way I do everything. Passionately.

2. Love. It's everything.

3. Today? I didn't wake up to be mediocre.

4. I believe everything is rigged in my favor and everything I'll ever want can be mine if I go after it.

5. Eternal optimist.

6. Math is hard.

So 41 brought me my greatest life achievements (running the Boston Marathon, receiving a Fulbright, hiking the Bob in one day) juxtaposed with immense sadness and loss, new horizons, and me still waking up on 42 crying because I always cry on my birthday, cutting my own hair because I do a pretty good job, and questioning how many days or years I may still have because it's almost Russian roulette on how you'll go out these days. 

Yet I'm here. Believing that this year will be even better than the last.

Because when you believe in magic and the magic of your own life and can imagine what dreams may come, it's passionately everything.