Cabin Fever

You were Cabin Fever, sunsets in summer, and Looking For You with the Lone Bellow. 

Holy, Holy, Holy and Brandi all the way home. 

Reading up in the park and runs on your lunch. 

 

A shot in the dark.  

A shot at love.

A shot that only brought me the deepest, darkest depression of my life. 

 

You were everything wonderful and then a lie for a friend who said you would be there forever. 

I’ll never understand why you did what you did to me. 

 

Or that you blamed me in the end, but you didn't. I still have the texts on an old phone. You told me that I didn't take any responsibility for "forging ahead with my feelings" but "I guess that's what love will do to a person."As if I should feel bad for being 120% full of love. 

For everyone. 

For everything in this life. 

But before that you told me that nothing was my fault and I wasn't to blame.

And so I couldn't understand because everything contradicted everything. 

I was at fault but I wasn't. 

I loved too much but I shouldn't have.

In my unhealed-from-my-past mind, all of this screamed "I wasn't enough" and added to the narrative of why I should have taken myself out of this world that cold December. 

I had two nights I came VERY close. Both nights you didn't answer your phone.

I was desperately alone and you not answering made the cold those December evenings cut deeper into my skin. 

I didn’t want to kill myself, per se, but I didn’t want to live. 

I wanted to both blame you and be saved by you. 

But I know now I couldn't be saved by you or anyone.

Thank God I'm okay now.

I'm healed and have many many scars to show that.

I hope you are healed, too. 

Because I'd be lying if I didn't say that you, too, were in a very bad place in your mind and life when we met.

 

Read this next part slowly.

My door is still unlocked for everything you promised. 

Which was friendship forever and that alone. 

Which goes back to what I already said:

I’ll never understand why you did what you did to me. And what I mean by that is cutting me off after IMLP.

Karma. Remember her? 

If she hasn’t found you yet, she will.

Until the day you reconcile, the universe will have its way with you. 

You know what? 

I know you still miss me. 

I miss you, too.

And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t I look for you in airports and parks and on runs in cities not my own. 

I look for you everywhere. 

But I know where you are. 

Still a thousand miles away. Wondering how I am. While I’m here wondering how you are. 

Wishing it wasn’t wonder. 

You’ve got my number. 

Just call. 

We have a lot to catch up on. 

Oh, and I should probably tell you that you’re in my new book. 

Might want to talk about that to make sure all I said about you is okay with you…

Just sayin’