The Worst End of School Year Teacher Ever
You know that beginning of school year enthusiasm your child's teacher has as you walk in the door? Smiles, directing your child to his or her desk, creative welcoming bulletin boards. Okay, so that's elementary school. At the high school, though, a similar picture: smiling teachers, promises of engaging and fun classes, and perhaps a pizza party if you complete ________ by _______ date.
We are limping across the finish line folks. Limping. Maybe cane in hand for some of us! Like all of you good parents out there, we too tapped out in April after EOC/standardized testing, just like the kids did. And what a hot mess they are! Mess, mess, mess!
Now keep in mind as you're reading this that I teach high school kids. Many will hear that, then hear that I teach English and eyes wide open let me know I'm a brave soul. My usual response is that the elementary teachers are the crazy ones!
Nevertheless, we are tired. Beyond tired. Like driving in the parking lot with minutes to spare before the bell rings tired. Snooze button? By this time of the year we know how many alarms to set (yes, more than one!) and how many minutes it really takes to throw on a school t-shirt and jeans, oh, yep, flip-flops too, because, let's face it: no administrators are monitoring the dress code this time of year. Casual Friday everyday! I think YES!
Upon arrival, from that first to last bell, we hit the ground running to solve the toughest of problems and answer the call of duty.
EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING at the end of the year is a struggle.
Everyday you give an assessment, you are guaranteed to get one of these replies: "Why are we taking another quiz? We already did the state testing. There is nothing left for us to learn!" Sometimes it's a more obvious protest like the photo below. Yes, that is my entire class staging a sit-in at the beginning of the hour. "No quizzes! Quizzes to the ground!"
My snarky reply was, "Well, when you don't take the quiz, a 0 is easy to grade!" Let's just say they all took the quiz...
Students are surprisingly amazing at math in May. These kids who don't turn in their work and barely remember their multiplication tables suddenly know what percent of homework must be turned in in order to get a grade of A, B-, or D = diploma.
This time of year, students become a little overwhelming, flooding our inbox with lots of photos, random questions, and grading related questions including my favorite,
"What can I do to get extra credit?"
Ummm how about you do your work on time and the first time!
But occasionally we feel sorry for kids and did you do your work? Perfect! 100% for the day! Heck, how about for all assignments this week!
That presentation? I'm just thankful you showed up today. 100% for you too!
Oh, you brought in cookies? I'll excuse you not turning in that worksheet.
Then there are emails like this:
Yep, not sure what he was asking. Don't care. But that boy just called me "buddy." Dude, I am NOT your buddy. I'm the lady who wants you to GRADUATE!
Or this:
Yes, you should have been working on this 2 months ago. Not my fault you're lazy! No, I didn't type that in my reply...
And this one.... my personal fav (after I told this student he got a C+ on his big paper):
What's funny is that I can hear this boy saying the above line in his 'prepie girl voice'. I might also note he was 6-3 and 275 lbs. Add that to your imagination and go back and re-read it.
Now aside from the emails, there are direct conversations. Sometimes they aren't even real conversations, just flat out blunt imperative sentences that must take place. There is no avoiding them. There is also little tact. Take this one for example:
student: can I go get a drink?
me: you have 15 minutes until class is out. I think you'll be fine.
student: but I just licked my friend's hand, and I have this funny taste in my mouth.
me: what?!? I guess you'll have to sit there for 15 minutes and dwell on the lesson you're learning. And why did you like his hand?
student: he asked me to.
And this, my friends, is why you don't like your friends' hands. Or your friends. Or do what you're told.
We teachers also find ourselves paying less attention, then paying for it later. WE are the ones then asking questions like why is that desk upside down? Where did little Susie go? Why are you trying to lick your friend? Why is there a theme of licking around here? What's wrong with you guys?!?!
Fail. Just say it with me. Then I tell my friends that as long as no one died, was maimed, or injured today, it's a good day. Some days you have NO idea how true that is when you teach high school kids! It's even more true when there is a sub, but we won't have that discussion here on this blog. God bless you crazies who sub!
Then here at the end of the year, for reasons I cannot pinpoint, all of my classes suddenly become art classes. You know it happens. Maybe you did it once. My students find it necessary to draw on the board. A lot. One year I my class fill the whole entire white board with words and their art. Like a good teacher I let the janitor off the hook by making them erase it. Most of the time I let them draw because I find their "works" conversation starters of the best kind. Let me show you some of the regulars I see.
Exhibit A: The Random "Acknowledgement of the Teacher" Drawing
Yes, every year I get something drawn on the board that includes my name. Sometimes it's an "I love you Samps" or some inside class joke like "Dis sux", which really isn't an inside joke. I just had that class tell me that everything "sux" all the time. I told them they were lucky to have a free public education and a teacher who wasn't out to destroy them like many college professors do. They got a little scared and thankful after that. Their gratitude lasted about a solid week.
But then there are years like this:
Me - Is this a fat joke?
Student - No!!!
Me - It better not be!
Exhibit B: The "Dragon" Drawing. Oh how the dragon pictures commence this time of year. I do. not. understand. One of my friends likes to say if she had a nickel for every time she understood a teenager she might have like one nickel. Amen. The dragon drawings are one of those times.
Every year some boy, yes always a 12th grade boy (and sometimes his friends) draws a dragon destroying something. This year it was a house. Last year it was the Empire State Building.
Sometimes they put a teacher on the dragon or as the subject of the dragon's fire. It's at that point I yell at the kid, give a stern lecture about respect, and make him and his buddies erase the drawing.
Unless I'm riding the dragon and destroying things. It's at that point I tell them what I want put in the picture to be destroyed. Sometimes I have them destroy a school in their artwork just for fun. Oh, the look on their faces is priceless when I make this request know! I giggle and tell them I'm only joking. They're not totally convinced.
(Trust me; at this level of teaching you have to make your kids think you're a little bit "off"--it makes the year much more interesting and gets us all through the year, sanity in tact.)
After the drawing is complete, to complicate the situation, and to throw the kids for a loop, I always ask for an interpretation. Some years the stories are better than any essay the kid wrote all year... I'll let you interpret this one on your own.
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Exhibit C: The "What???" Drawing
These are the works of art that you walk in the room, shake your head, and try not to ask too many questions. You also are thankful that it was created on another teacher's watch, as to prove that you aren't the only class that has this happen!
Senior pranks? We're all on guard this time of year. This year we were supposed to lose our license plates and my car was going to be saran wrapped, (likely by the same seven boys who egged my house, and twice, this year). Luckily for all of us some senior girl ASKED the cops (yes you read that correctly) if taking license plates off of cars was okay or not. Annddddddd hat one got busted before it started. Can you see why we are excited to get these kids across the stage, diploma in hand?
Some pranks are better than others, though, and we teachers can appreciate clean creativity. This was a clean and fun one from last year:
Then there are those "WTH" moments. Not sure why this guy thought it was okay to come into the counseling office and grace us with his, ummm presence...
Probably the same reason I get asked these questions:
"Can I ride down the hall in your chair?"
- No. -
"Can I throw pencils and see if they'll stick in the ceiling?"
- No. - (They did it anyways)
"Can I put Joey on this cart and push him down the hall?" - NO YOU MAY NOT! -
"Can we take a selfie with you?" - Sure? -
"Can I hide in the trash can and scare Freshmen?" - Sure! -
"And will you push me out in the hallway when I'm done getting in the trash can?" - Absolutely! -
(note: We all decide from the beginning of the year to torture the Freshys whenever we can.)
And then there are the movies. Oh movies. They are pacifiers for parents and teachers alike. They are points of contention. They are lifesavers.
student: can we watch a movie?
me: sure, which one?
student: probably something horribly inappropriate.
me: umm, no.
By the time this conversation is over, the student has forgotten already that they asked about a movie, as now their friends have entered and they are now conversing over some Twitter post.
Sometimes the movie isn't even a question.
student: can we watch the Lion King?
American Government teacher: of course we can! It is TOTALLY related to American Government!
student: *blank stare* *look of surprise* okay!?
Parents, students, and anyone else who cares: we PROMISE. We love our kids. We rock this school 99% percent of the time. We do our jobs and pay our dues. Like you, we too were AWESOME back in October. Hands down. But, the last few weeks, well, humor reigns and, if you haven't figured it out already, we are lucky to be alive!
Sampson, you are by far one of my favorite teachers from when I was in school (even though I horribly failed AP lit) You make lasting memories for these kids. I can only hope my brother has you before he graduates next year <3
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